My wonderful, exhausting, beautiful world where “breaks” do not exist.

My son is five months old which means my husband & I haven’t had a date night in five months. Not because we can’t afford a sitter or because we don’t have multiple family members that would gladly watch him for free, because we do. 

But because I’m simply not ready.

I receive lectures and annoyed comments on how I’m a baby hog or selfish or need to let someone babysit. 

But I don’t care.

I’ve left my son with my husband a total of 3 times. All of which he has slept the entire time I was gone.

It’s been about 3 months since the last time I left him with his dad and that time was for 20-30 minutes. 

I texted my husband the entire time, impatiently waiting for a response, ready to race home or call 911 at any moment. Only to finally hear that yes, he is still fine. And still sleeping.

The second time I left him, to go to my 5 week postpartum appointment, I sobbed the entire drive there. 

I felt silly because I trusted my husband and knew my baby was in good hands (they also happened to be at my parents house so there were about 5 sets of backup good hands as well). 

But I couldn’t stop the tears.

I just felt incomplete. 

Like I had left a part of me back home. 

(Granted, I was 5 weeks postpartum, extremely sleep deprived and emotional…so that could have added to it. But still, incomplete.) 

“Here, I’ll give you a break” people say as they reach for my baby. 

A break…

What even is a break?

One of those awful 3 times was to go get a mani/pedi. My husband scheduled the appointment for me as a surprise and insisted I go to “get a break”. 

I love surprises, I love getting my nails done, or maybe I should say loveD.

As in pre-mama life.

It wasn’t relaxing. 

I mean how could I relax!?

The whole time I was worried about my baby’s wellbeing.

It’s like when you get a massage and while getting it, you realize you’re thinking about work or your to do list or something else that’s totally not relaxing. 

So you think, “Crap, it’s only a 60 minute massage, I need to clear my mind and relax now. I’ve probably got about 38 minutes left”. 

But thinking this only makes you less relaxed and more stressed.

It’s a never ending cycle. 

My mother often offers to hold my baby while I go into the next room and nap.

A wonderful offer and one I hate to turn down.

“He’s just in the other room” I tell myself.

“She will wake me if he’s upset or hungry”.

So I go into the bed and stare at the ceiling. 

I lay there for about 10 minutes before retreating out to the main room and saying, “Oh, I couldn’t sleep” while my mother shakes her head at me.

How can I sleep without my warm little friend next to me? 

Especially when I’m laying there worrying if he’s alright. 

I know the day has to come eventually. 

My husband is more than ready for a date night and I do miss our alone time together. 

I would love to put on a pair of heels and a shirt that isn’t nursing-friendly and eat at a quiet, fancy restaurant or see an R rated movie.

But even when that day comes, even if my son is in the hands of the most qualified, loving, responsible caregiver, I will still spend the evening worried about him. 

There is no off button. There is no “break”.

And yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Xo.

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2 thoughts on “My wonderful, exhausting, beautiful world where “breaks” do not exist.

  1. I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I’ve been accused of hogging my baby, too. It’s not that you don’t trust others to care for Little One, you just feel better when you’re the one doing the caring. It’s an anxious feeling. My daughter is nearly 8 months old and the feeling still hasn’t eased.

    Liked by 1 person

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